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Love Doesn’t Hurt

No one is worth crying over, and the ones who are,

won’t make you cry.

 

My husband said something the other day that made me stop and think.  He said “fighting is part of every relationship.”  Oh?  I acknowledged that disagreements are natural and normal in every relationship – we even disagree with ourselves sometimes (can’t make up your mind over something…)  But there is a big difference between a disagreement and a fight.  Yelling, screaming, name-calling, throwing things, destroying the other’s personal belongings, hitting, and/or beating are NEVER part of a kind, loving, adult relationship.  NEVER. 

 

Neither is stony silence, withholding money, love, attention, sex food/medication or access to phones or the internet.  And threatening to do any of the above is just as abusive and emotionally harmful as actually doing what has been threatened.

 

Controlling behavior ought not to be considered flattering or loving behavior.  Keeping you from spending time with friends or family, and/or stopping you from doing activities which you love and enjoy are all warning signals.  It’s an attempt to isolate you.

 

A partner’s jealousy or over-the-top reaction is not flattering, it is scary.

 

Finally, a partner who engages in these behaviors and then denies or minimizes such behaviors, or worse, blames you for their bad/abusive behavior is dangerous.  Period. 

 

Such relationships never get better on their own.  They only cycle: 

 

Phase 1:  Everything is great - we’re a very happy couple.

 

Phase 2:  Something’s not right.  I’m walking on egg shells trying to keep them from getting mad.

 

Phase 3:  Huge fight.

 

Repeat – but each time this pattern is repeated, the fight is bigger, with more anger on their part, and more fear on your part.

 

Believe it or not you have choices.  There are support groups and counselors all over the country who can help you decide what to do, and help you do it.  Please don’t suffer needlessly in an unhappy relationship one more day.  Call for help.  Namaste. 

 

 

 

I Got Flowers Today

written and copy righted by Paulette Kelly in 1992.

 

 

I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today. 


   

Facts and Figures

This list is meant to be overwhelming – please don’t think your relationship is different.  Please don’t think things will improve on their own.  The following statistics show too many women already think that way, and pay a terrible price for believing too long.

 

From the U.S. Dept. of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics, "Violence against Women: A National Crime Victimization Survey Report, January 1994"

  • Nearly 2 in 3 female victims of violence were related to or knew their attacker. (p. iii)
  • Over two-thirds of violent victimizations against women were committed by someone known to them: 31% of female victims reported that the offender was a stranger. Approximately 28% were intimates such as husbands or boyfriends, 35% were acquaintances, and the remaining 5% were other relatives. (In contrast, victimizations by intimates and other relatives accounted for only 5% of all violent victimizations against men. Men were significantly more likely to have been victimized by acquaintances (50%) or strangers (44%) than by intimates or other relatives.) (p. 1)
  • Almost 6 times as many women victimized by intimates (18%) as those victimized by strangers (3%) did not report their violent victimization to police because they feared reprisal from the offender. (p. 1)
  • Annually, compared to males, females experienced over 10 times as many incidents of violence by an intimate. On average each year, women experienced 572,032 violent victimizations at the hands of an intimate, compared to 48,983 incidents committed against men. (p. 6)

 

From: "Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998"

  • Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend each year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners each year.
  • While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner.
  • Violence by an intimate partner accounts for about 21% of violent crime experienced by women and about 2 % of the violence experienced by men.
  • 31,260 women were murdered by an intimate from 1976-1996.
  • Females accounted for 39% of the hospital emergency department visits for violence-related injuries in 1994 but 84% of the persons treated for injuries inflicted by intimates.

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has received more than 700,000 calls for assistance since February 1996. Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline, December 2001

It is estimated that 503,485 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year in the United States. Source: National Institute of Justice, July 2000

Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30-60% of family violence cases that involve families with children. Source: "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." J.L. Edleson, Violence Against Women, February, 1999

Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. Source: Commonwealth Fund survey, 1998

About 75% of the calls to law enforcement for intervention and assistance in domestic violence occur after separation from batterers. One study revealed that half of the homicides of female spouses and partners were committed by men after separation from batterers (Barbara Hart, Remarks to the Task Force on Child Abuse and Neglect, April 1992)

Each year, medical expenses from domestic violence total at least $3 to $5 billion. Businesses forfeit another $100 million in lost wages, sick leave, absenteeism and non-productivity. Source: Domestic Violence for Health Care Providers, 3rd Edition, Colorado Domestic Violence Coalition, 1991.

From 1983 to 1991, the number of domestic violence reports received increased by almost 117%. Source: New York State Division of Criminal Justice Services, 1983 and 1991.

Violence is the reason stated for divorce in 22% of middle-class marriages. Source: EAP Digest November/December 1991.

Every year, domestic violence results in almost 100,000 days of hospitalizations, almost 30,000 emergency department visits, and almost 40,000 visits to a physician. Source: American Medical Association. 5 issues American Health. Chicago 1991.

Studies by the Surgeon General's office reveal that domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44, more common than automobile accidents, muggings, and cancer deaths combined. Other research has found that half of all women will experience some form of violence from their partners during marriage, and that more than one-third are battered repeatedly every year. Source: Journal of American Medical Association, 1990.

Battered women seek medical attention for injuries sustained as a consequence of domestic violence significantly more often after separation than during cohabitation; about 75% of the visits to emergency rooms by battered women occur after separation (Stark and Flitcraft, 1988).

Women who leave their batterers are at 75% greater risk of severe injury or death than those who stay. Source: Barbara Hart, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1988.

It is estimated that 25% of workplace problems such as absenteeism, lower productivity, turnover and excessive use of medical benefits are due to family violence. (Employee Assistance Providers/MN)

In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women. Source: "Violence Against Women", Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice, January, 1994.

Of women who reported being raped and/or physically assaulted since the age of 18, three quarters (76 percent) were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabitating partner, date or boyfriend. Source: "Prevalence Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey", U.S. Department of Justice, November, 1998.

In 1994, women separated from their spouses had a victimization rate 1 1/2 times higher than separated men, divorced men, or divorced women. Source: "Sex Differences in Violent Victimization", 1994, U.S. Department of Justice, September, 1997.

In 2003, among all female murder victims in the U.S., 30% were slain by their husbands or boyfriends. Source: Uniform Crime Reports of the U.S. 1996, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 2003 (January - June).

A child exposed to the father abusing the mother is at the strongest risk for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next. Source: "Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family", APA, 1996

Forty percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. Source: Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December, 1995.

Family violence costs the nation from $5 to $10 billion annually in medical expenses, police and court costs, shelters and foster care, sick leave, absenteeism, and non-productivity. Source: Medical News, American Medical Association, January, 1992.

Husbands and boyfriends commit 13,000 acts of violence against women in the workplace every year. Source: "Violence and Theft in the Workplace", U.S. Department of Justice, July, 1994.

The majority of welfare recipients have experienced domestic abuse in their adult lives and a high percentage are currently abused. Source: Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare, The Taylor Institute, April, 1997.

One in five female high school students reports being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. Source: Massachusetts Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS), August 2001.

 

  • One in three women will experience domestic violence at least once in her lifetime (American Psychological Association Violence and the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family, 1996).
  • Females are ten times more likely to be victimized by an intimate than are males (Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: National Crime Victimizations Survey, Violence Against Women, 1994).
  • Domestic Violence is statistically consistent across racial and ethnic lines (Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey, 1995).
  • Victims and Batterers do not fit a particular profile. At one batterer’s counseling center, "Approximately one-third of the men counseled (for battering) are professional men who are well respected in their jobs & their communities. These have included doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives. (For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA 1990).”
  • Forty percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend (Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December, 1995).
  • Women 19-29 report the highest rates of intimate violence (Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Redesigned Survey, 1995).
  • 32 percent of women that are injured by an intimate are victimized again within a six month period (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1986).
  • Husbands and boyfriends commit over 13,000 acts of violence against women in the workplace every year (Violence and Theft in the Workplace, U.S. Department of Justice, July, 1994).
  • Female victims of violence are 2.5 times more likely to suffer severe injury when the violence is committed by an intimate partner than when it is committed by a stranger (Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Violence Against Women: Estimates form the Redesigned Survey, 1995).
  • 40 to 60 percent of men who abuse their wife or girlfriend also abuse their children (American Psychological Association, Violence in the Family: Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family, 1996).
  • Battering remains the single most identifiable cause for birth defects in the United States (March of Dimes, 1994).

 

Believe it or not you have choices.  There are support groups and counselors all over the country who can help you decide what to do, and help you do it.  Please don’t needlessly suffer in an unhappy relationship one more day.  Call for help.  Namaste. 


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