Divorce Counseling -- When Divorce Is The Only Option, Emotional Stability Is A Must
There may come a point in your marriage when you realize that there is just no other option but to end your marital relationship. Perhaps it’s as complicated as you just cannot forgive the other for a betrayal – an affair, an addiction, a secret. Perhaps it’s as simple as you have grown apart with age.
Hurt, shame, guilt and anger can fuel hurtful and unproductive behaviors during a divorce. Unaddressed bitterness and anger can make the divorce process unnecessarily expensive and painful.
Divorce counseling is designed to keep a couple focused on goals and outcomes, rather than revenge. In this way, a couple can avoid further emotional damage to themselves, each other, and/or any children who may be involved.
Guidelines For A Successful Divorce
1. Please know that you your emotions are normal: Fear (of an unknown future, of revenge from a wounded spouse) anger (from having failed, being betrayed, feeling naïve) shame (too many causes to list) guilt (from having caused the break up, or not being able to keep the marriage together) confusion (what do I do now) and emptiness (from loss of identity, loss of friends/family/community, loss of faith).
2. Forgive yourself. Marriage takes two people. Its failure takes two as well. Regardless if you are only 1% responsible or 99% responsible, forgive yourself for “not seeing the warning signs sooner,” for “being weak,” for “being selfish,” for being naïve or too trusting or standing up for yourself or for “not putting your foot down.” Regardless of the part you played, the calming of emotions begins here. Now – please don’t confuse forgiveness with forgetting. Transgressions will not to be forgotten – our memories may hold on to the event, but its emotional stronghold will lessen as you build a new future.
3. Revenge is very expensive. Trying to cause your spouse as much pain, grief, anxiety and/or expense as you have endured, does not work. The best revenge is you going on to have a happy, successful, fulfilling life.
4. Take a moment, to yourself, to just sit and think about how your situation would look to someone who does not know you. Are your actions, statements and requests reasonable and doable?
5. Communicate with “I” statements: I want, I think, I feel, I need, I see, I hope… STOP using “you” statements: you always; you never. “You” statements are accusations and are “heard” as attacks by the other person, which can only continue to fuel arguments.
6. Understand that when remembering the past, there is your version, their version, and somewhere in the middle lies reality.
7. Children:
a. Even if you think your children have never seen or heard you fighting, assume that they know you and your spouse do not get along, and will not stay together. Children are smarter than you think.
b. Please do not fight in front of your children. Even to teenagers, parents screaming, calling names, slamming doors, throwing things, fighting in general, is frightening. And, legally, if a social worker wanted to “push it,” intense fighting in front of children could be considered child abuse.
c. When alone with your children, please do not attack your absent spouse. Children understand that half of them came from you and the other half came from your spouse. So if you “hate” your spouse, your children will worry that you hate part of them as well.
8. Remember, the goal is to untangle yourself from your spouse, stop the emotional scaring and resulting emotions, and go on to create a successful, happy, fulfilling life for yourself.
Linda or Mickey would be happy to help you during this extremely emotional and difficult time. Divorce counseling is used to help each party reduce their heightened, purely emotional responses, and decide upon what responses are more logical and compatible with making wise and intelligent decisions.
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