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How Will We Survive An Affair
When an affair is discovered, both partners may feel as if they are buried under an avalanche of emotions. There is the undeniable reality that “the agreements” surrounding their relationship are no longer in place, and primary among the agreements is unconditional trust for their partner. The mind-exploding, knees wobbling, heart pounding truth is that your partner was not trustworthy, and in one swift and shocking moment, the world as you knew it suddenly changes. How do you sort all of this out and what does it take to recover. It is nothing short of a miracle that marriages survive at all after an affair. . . .but they do.
Now is not the time to make quick life-changing decisions that will end the marriage -- we would encourage you to at least give your marriage a chance to survive. While talking with your friends and family may offer much needed support and comfort to calm you down at the moment, it is only a temporary "fix". The overwhelming emotions, fits of rage and uncontrollable sadness will return with the same intensity unless true understanding about the affair is achieved.
There are three courses of action that can be chosen after an affair has been discovered:
1. Couples hold resentment, anger, rage and contempt toward each other for the rest of the life of the relationship. There is no movement forward, there is no willingness to forgive -- there is only a continued and sustained deep hurt and pain that never gets better. It is a black, bottomless hole of bitterness. You and your partner are virtually stuck in the moment of the affair forever. To add to this misery is the fact that eventually one of the partners will get just tired of trying and a new affair will emerge.
2. Couples decide to stay in the relationship for the "sake of the children" or because of religious beliefs or the couple honors values of lifelong commitment. There is no real understanding of the affair and there are no changes in attitudes or behaviors -- there is only an existence between the two individuals. The marriage takes on a somewhat peaceful version of what happened before the affair without any significant change in their relationship.
3. Transforming the marriage requires that couples stay together and move toward understanding, acceptance and eventually, some type of forgiveness. The marriage is transformed into something better and heartfelt and consistent changes in attitude and behavior are now a part of the marriage. The couple works together and leans on each other to heal the incredible wounds. Couples who complete this journey state they would never go back to the way their marriage was before the affair.
We are here to help you begin the healing process. We understand what you are going through and will offer the support and guidance that is needed in this time of pain in your lives. This is not a moment in your lives to "experiment" with what might work -- this is one of those times in a person's life when professional help is needed. Please call and let either Linda or Mickey lend their years of knowledge, experience and training to help you rebuild.
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